Happily Ever Never

There is this idea that every person who finds love has found their “fairy tale.” It’s only butterflies and flowers from there. This is the type of love people chase. The kind of love others envy when they see you have it. The wedding was too amazing and the pictures only tell a perfect story. One that everyone would dream of. After the I Do’s you get stuck in this way of thinking that you must live a fairy tale everyday thereafter or your love.. is a failure. Even worse you may think this wasn’t the love I was supposed to have.

Maybe I picked the wrong person.

The truth is, after marriage comes the really hard part. Life sets in. The honeymoon phase is over. Y’all are back to work. You don’t see as many friends anymore.

(Let’s face it, after any major life changes comes the loss of a few friends.)

Maybe you start having kids. Maybe you’re still trying to cover expenses from buying a new home, the wedding, & traveling. Not to mention you are still learning your partner. The two of you just became one. You share everything now. Even on days when you are exhausted you’ve got to consider this other person. Maybe they get sick or their car breaks down when you’ve got a million errands to run. You’re not in the mood to deal with it, but you do it anyways. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do. That’s what you committed to. Not the fairy tale. “In sickness and in health.”

You pick up their pieces when they fall short and they pick up yours when you fall short.

Again, reality hits & life sets in.

This idea of happily ever after becomes a harsh truth that maybe there is no such thing.

Something happened to me when I was living my “happily ever after.” I digressed in life. I was so happy in love that I forgot about my dreams. I forgot that I had goals that didn’t involve my husband. That I had things I needed to accomplish as an individual. Things that I was working towards prior to meeting my husband. I even had fitness goals that shot straight out the window. You know that “happy weight.” Well really it was neglectful weight.

I’m not saying don’t be in love because when you love someone right by not forgetting to love yourself too; the outcome is a love like no other.

What I’m still learning today, as I’m figuring this out, is that love is a constant choice to continue caring and providing for someone else. It’s a choice to be kind, nurturing, and always there when they need it. It’s hard. Really really hard. You don’t get to decide when to love this person. It’s a constant, steadfast love.

In knowing that, I’m also learning that in order to love someone else you MUST absolutely love yourself, too. You have to give yourself the same attention and kindness you give to them without question. You cannot forget about your life. Too often we get stuck in a place of only thinking of the other persons world, because that is what we committed to. But you have to consider yours too. Your other half should pick up most of the parts of you, that you left on the floor, when putting them first. But they still aren’t you. They don’t have your heart or mind. They can’t possibly make your life for you.

The hard truth is, your other half may not always be with you. As terrible as it sounds, we will all leave this earth one day. The most honest love would have wanted you to follow your destiny. To do the things you wanted. To better yourself. To see you healthy. To watch you live your dream. Most importantly to see you happy.

You should want that for them, too.

And the crazy thing is, when you do this, they actually love you more.

Maybe you realized you had forgotten yourself 1, 5, or 10 years later. It doesn’t matter. It is never too late to make a change with whom you fell in love with in order to better that love. You may have to pause so you can re-learn how to care for yourself. You may have to give yourself 90% and only 10% to them for a little while. It is never too late to begin loving who you are again and if you fell in love with the right person they will cheer you on while you do it.

Love, Shelley 🖤